An Open Door
When asked, many teachers will identify one rule for being alone with a student. Leave the door open. I’ve heard it said many times, including in my time as a student. If I had to stay late with a teacher, the door was open. Even Mr. Davis pointed out the need for an open door at all times. I was never alone with a teacher behind a closed door (Okay, if you read my book, you know about that one time at my voice lesson, but nothing untoward happened there.)
I think when people think about grooming, they imagine it requires privacy. The uncomfortable truth is that grooming is happening right in front of us. It is sneaky, but it is not always hidden from sight. In many cases, I believe this open door becomes a pass. If the door is open, we feel no need to question what is happening inside. If a teacher is confronted for spending time alone with a student, we can excuse this by confirming the door was not closed. The open door has even been explicitly cited by some as a shield to protect themselves from allegations. This is a dangerous complacency that I want to challenge.
Perhaps you remember how my teacher isolated me from exploring peer-appropriate relationships through teasing. That did not occur when we were alone. It was done at rehearsals, in a small group of students who thought he was being funny. When he opened up about the details of his divorce that I was asked to keep secret, we were in a room with other adults. The time that he called me beautiful, we were sitting at a table with others. When I was crying at school, Mr. Davis pulled me into the teacher’s lounge, a space where other teachers came and went freely. He told me I was more talented than my peers in an empty room, but the door was open. He asked me to stand in for him in his absence, in that case even he was not there while I was set apart from my peers. Nothing that happened between us in high school happened behind a closed door.
We have been taught to watch for signs of sexual abuse, but wouldn’t it be more beneficial to catch the precursors? Much of this happens through small moves that are easily dismissed. For example, the desensitization to touch often begins through small, innocent contact that would not require privacy to go undetected. Favoritism, flattery, and special attention occur in the open. Still, these behaviors put a child in a position to accept advances. In my case, the leveling of our relationship through the sharing of personal lives created a relationship that was different from the one he shared with my peers. Even the secrets that were shared with me were done so in a room with an open door.
I often wish someone had noticed these minor things about my relationship with Mr. Davis.We would laugh together, sometimes at the expense of my peers, like no one else understood us. Surely, another adult could have seen this as suspicious. I wish the safe adults would have noticed the way I lingered after class or rehearsal just to catch his attention. I wish an adult would have identified the way he infiltrated my personal life by joining my small church instead of dismissing it as coincidence. I often wonder if the other teachers in the building noticed the way my peers teased me for being his “favorite.” In hindsight, there were several concerning signs. Our bond may have been obvious enough to be seen, but was not quite malicious enough to be recorded. There was no adult (to my knowledge) that stepped in for me. And yet, none of it was a secret.
My story is different from the ones that are more often told, because I was not a victim of sexual assault. I am grateful for this, and I hope you will not misunderstand my intention with this post. I am not minimizing that abuse. The opposite, really. I think we can do better than catch something as it occurs. Instead, I think we can equip ourselves to prevent it from occurring at all.
I am not suggesting we attack teachers for caring about their students and creating safe spaces. It is natural for students to come to trusted adults with their issues. It is natural for a student to favor an adult in this way. It is not natural for an adult to return this favor. When the relationship between a teacher and their student begins to mimic friendship, be aware. We do not need to raise a red flag to hold professionals accountable. In my case, there was no reason for Mr. Davis to face repercussions for these actions. However, it would have helped if someone had held him accountable by calling his behavior into question. Maybe if they had, I could have been spared from what happened later.
My call to action to parents and guardians is to take interest in your child’s life at school. This can be done through active listening and questioning. It is important that we do not take an accusatory stance, but rather one that seeks to understand. Relationships between teachers and students are sacred, and we do not want to discourage healthy bonds. However, we do need to remain privy to the nature of the relationship. Here are a few of the questions I might suggest asking.
Does your child have their teacher’s personal phone number? If so, how do they use that?
Does your child eat lunch in a teacher’s room instead of the cafeteria? If so, is it the same teacher every day? What do they discuss during that time?
If a child spends time in a car with a teacher or in a small group outside of school, I would ask what they did. What did they talk about? How did they feel about the experience?
What does your child know about their teacher? Do they know their relationship status? What do they do for fun? Where do they go after school?
These are only a few of the questions I would think to ask a child. The child may not answer honestly, but they will be forced to recall things they may have dismissed. The desire to keep a secret about any of it may help your child identify a red flag for themselves. For example, if someone had asked me about the road trip in Mr. Davis’s car, I would have been forced to remember the sex jokes that he had made. My hesitation to share would have helped me realize that it had been inappropriate.
All of this is to say, the boundaries between teachers and students should go further than the avoidance of privacy. Exploring this in a meaningful discussion is where we begin. I will leave you with this call to action. I hope you will talk to someone and ask important questions as we work together to ensure our children are safe with the adults in their lives.
