Comfortable

“I knew to tell my child about adults who make her uncomfortable. I did not think to warn her about adults who make her their confidante.” This was said to me by a friend. I was struck so immediately by the honesty in this statement, as well as its reality. I believe this is the most common way adults approach this topic of grooming. 

By definition, grooming is the development of a friendship and emotional connection to exploit a vulnerable person. It is a preparation to ensure that future advances are not perceived as uncomfortable or inappropriate by the victim. In my case, it was something that occurred in several small doses. The relationship developed in a way that felt organic. It felt normal. Even when I could identify that this man was being inappropriate, I dismissed the behavior because it felt good to receive his attention in that way. 

Recently, I shared a short story on my social media to illustrate this point. The story can be found in the chapter of my book called “Beautiful.” In this chapter, I share how a man at our local grocery store implied he wanted to watch a movie with me, which made me uncomfortable. I felt that gut feeling, telling me that the situation was not safe. Later, when I shared the encounter with my teacher, his reaction was to tell me to prepare for older men to find me beautiful. A point which he expanded upon by asking if I would be uncomfortable with him hitting on me if he had not been my teacher. While many might assume these comments made me equally uncomfortable, they would be incorrect. These statements were thrilling to me. 

Why? Because he was not a random man at the store. This man was someone I had trusted with increasing vulnerability from the time I was 12. When I was 17, I genuinely believed that he cared for me in a way that he did not care for my peers. I had never felt threatened or uncomfortable around this man. In fact, it was the opposite. He became my safe space while I was in high school. Because of this, I felt crazy when I was confronting the reality years after our relationship had ended. I felt like I had certainly imagined his advances, because he had never given me reason to question his motivation before that. I see this for what it is now, which is the slow, meticulous transformation of our relationship. 

The extensive amount of time that I spent with this person led to a level of comfort that was not easily swayed. I spent so much time with the man in my story that I could almost see the line fading. He became more candid with me, and that created this sense of equity. Instead of feeling uncomfortable, I felt important. When this man showed me favor in the attention he gave me compared to my peers, I did not squirm. I leaned into his praise because it felt good. When he whispered jokes to me or winked at me during a performance, I did not hear alarm bells. I heard that I was special. 

This may make it seem impossible to teach children to identify when an adult is dangerous. Unfortunately, that is the goal for groomers. We have trouble explaining this to children because we do not want to discourage them from developing meaningful connections with adults. This makes it difficult to approach this topic. 

I believe that explaining power differentials is a good start. As your children age, empower them to see the boundaries and explain their purposes. Instill critical thinking skills by asking questions meant to challenge their view of the world. Be honest with your children about the equity required for true, authentic love. Help your child understand that they deserve to feel agency within their relationships. Explain that coercive consent is not consent. Allow your children to explore age appropriate relationships in safe ways. Above all, do not raise your children to rely on authority figures for validation. Instead, empower your children to seek this validation from themselves. 

While I would rather focus our efforts on teaching adults to recognize signs of grooming, I recognize that both are important. Especially when we consider that we cannot always be there to monitor out children’s relationships in the outside world. Expecting a child to deny an adult in a position of authority who makes them feel seen and special is unrealistic. However, by helping our children understand these nuanced truths, we prime them to spot when they are being manipulated. This is a life skill that will serve them in many ways. 

As always, my goal is to increase vigilance and awareness in order to protect children and hold those in positions of authority accountable for the ways in which they yield their power. 

With love, 

Mary Beth