Dissonance (Megan’s Story)
Sharing my story publicly has been many things, but it has never been lonely. From the moment I began this journey, I have found that I am a part of a community. Unfortunate as this is, the community of others who have experienced grooming and manipulation from a person in a position of authority has healed the part of me that had been isolated for so long.
One day, early in my journey of sharing publicly, I was informed of the existence of a support group on Facebook for women like me. I joined immediately. I had never met someone (knowingly, at least) who had shared my experience. This support group is where I found Megan.
Megan Farison is the author of her memoir, Dissonance. In her book, she tells her story with both beauty and bravery. When she learned that I was preparing to publish my story, Megan offered me her support, her solidarity, and her guidance for navigating the sharing of my most vulnerable experience. Today, Megan is allowing me to share her story on my blog. Our joint hope is that you will take the time to become aware of the dangers of stories like ours.
Megan met her band director, Mr. Blackmer, at the end of her eighth-grade year when he came to the middle school to audition students for the high school bands. She was not yet fourteen. She was immediately favored as a musician, being placed in high skill groups and winning first chair in trumpet as a freshman. Her success not only made her feel accomplished, but special too. This also meant more time and attention from Mr. Blackmer, whom she had grown to admire.
If you read my story, you will remember the story about the time that Mr. Davis called me beautiful. You might recall how my young mind grasped that moment and held it close. Megan experienced a shift like this as well, though hers came at the end of her freshman year of high school. She had been dressed up for a performance in a white dress, embroidered with daisies. Mr. Blackmer’s words were simple, yet effective. “That dress looks nice on you.” Megan left this interaction with the thought, Mr. Blackmer thinks I’m pretty. This thought is so similar to the one that echoed through my mind that night in 2013. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Grooming is slow. It is meticulous, careful, and controlled. The process can be gentle enough that one does not notice the way their guard is melting, or the way their feelings are shaping into something that mimics love. Megan recalls the desensitization of touch through “supportive” physical contact. Once, when Megan’s boyfriend had made her cry, she left to be alone. Mr. Blackmer followed her and said, “Boys are stupid.” A million tiny nudges in the form of whispers, light touches, and inside jokes, that culminated in desire. Mr. Blackmer went as far as to invite Megan to dinner and, eventually, to his apartment. It is worth noting that he never asked for her discretion. This is a similarity between her story and mine, as well. It was not only assumed, but correct. This is the power of grooming. It is a power that is dangerously underestimated. We tend to assume children will know better than to keep secrets, or that they will be able to identify unsafe adults. When we do this, we fail to recognize the weight of affection, especially when it is received from an authority figure. A child cannot be expected to deny themselves this pleasure. And yes, I use the word pleasure because that is what it mimics to the child.
The day after Megan's sophomore year ended, Mr. Blackmer sexually assaulted her at the high school, inside the band room office. The abuses continued, disguised as a relationship, until the week of her 22nd birthday. Initially, Megan parted from Mr. Blackmer, wishing him the best and believing he had loved her. I do not wish to paraphrase what she said when asked to describe the aftermath because her words hit me so deeply that they resonated in my bones. Megan said, “I didn't know that what I thought was a relationship built on mutual affection was, in reality, a horrific deception, and it had caused me harm—physically, emotionally, and psychologically. Looking back, I don't think even he understood all the ways he had harmed me.”
Processing this type of manipulation is not linear. Instead, it is a journey with crooked paths navigated in circles. Jagged swoops are stumbled through in darkness, and beautiful sights glimpsed with hope. In one of those treacherous moments on her path, Megan learned that Mr. Blackmer had been arrested for child sexual abuse and possession of child pornography. If you would like to read more about Megan’s feelings in that moment, as well as her journey from this point, you can read her memoir, Dissonance.
I asked Megan to share something that she wished others understood about the type of abuse she faced. She responded with, “When we fail to protect a child from a predator, there is harm done not only to that child, but also to that child's future self, their future spouse, and their future children. The damage is severe and far-reaching...and the tragedy is that it all could be avoided if only we made the safety of students and educators a priority.” This is relevant, important, and demanding of our attention. We have to understand that this type of abuse plants itself far into the depths of a child and grows with them.
Megan’s call to action is education. This is a challenging topic to approach, but we must do so with urgency. We need to discuss the issues that we may feel inclined to avoid. We must become advocates for transparency and accountability within our systems. As Megan said, “There were many opportunities to stop Mr. Blackmer from sexually grooming and abusing children. It isn't that people didn't want to stop him… It's that we, as a society, lack the education and training that would enable us to identify predatory behaviors, and to respond to those behaviors accordingly.” It is my greatest hope that in sharing my story, as well as those similar to mine, we can inspire the change that will protect our children.
I will leave you with Megan’s words for those who are learning to move forward from an experience like hers–like mine.
“The best way to heal from a toxic relationship is to experience real, authentic love and connection. Love from within, and from others. Also, knowledge is power. Knowing how grooming works and how it affects victims, knowing that trauma triggers a survival response that can cause us to act outside of our value system, knowing that there are survivors and allies out there who will act as a support network, empowers us to stand strong in the truth of our lived experiences.”
With love,
Mary Beth
To join the support group for Survivors of Teacher/Educator Sexual Misconduct, Abuse, and Trauma - click here
For Megan’s memoir - click here
