Promises (Rebecca’s Story)
Rebecca met Mr. Jordan when she was twelve. The 37-year-old was her history teacher at the time. He would remain in this role throughout her time in both middle and high school. While she was his student, Rebecca began to view Mr. Jordan as a safe space amidst a tumultuous home life. When she was kicked out of her home as a teenager, Mr. Jordan and his wife offered her a comfortable space in theirs. Following her return home, she would continue to spend time at Mr. Jordan’s house. So much so that he began to refer to her as his adopted daughter.
Rebecca notes the shift in their relationship as sudden. Like so many others, this shift happened immediately following graduation. That summer, Rebecca learned that her boyfriend had cheated on her. In search of comfort, she called the man she had trusted to offer comfort and guidance. The phone call can be summed up in one phrase, said with nonchalance, as if it were normal. “You have no idea how badly I wish I could have had the chance he had, and he blew it.”
It is an incredibly jarring experience when a man who had once acted as a father figure in your life drags his toe across that line in the sand. You begin to question everything, including your feelings. You wonder if you had given any reason for him to expect this from you. Perhaps you celebrate that a man, so grown and wise, would see you as someone he wanted. You rationalize his words; maybe he meant that he would have been into me if he had been my peer. Your mind does gymnastics, attempting to preserve the safety you once felt with this man. To give up this relationship, one that once made you feel most safe and seen, is not easily done. There is a lot that goes through a victim's mind to preserve this relationship. This seemingly small moment becomes the beginning of a tiresome path to excuse their behavior.
Following this conversation, Mr. Jordan continued to express his desires for more from Rebecca. At first, the guise of mentorship continued. He would ask her about her sex life, offering reminders to be a “good girl” and not “give herself up easily.” The conversations escalated as he began to call her while intoxicated. He shared that he was dreaming of her. He asked for photos of “his” girl, specifically requesting shots of her tattoos. Rebecca would push back on this, again attempting to preserve a relationship she had felt was too important to lose. The response she received was “reassurance” that this was normal. That it was okay for them to talk this way now because she was a grown woman. This pattern is all too familiar.
When Rebecca was engaged, she reached out to Mr. Jordan, expecting his congratulations. Instead, he ignored her. Little did she know, she would never hear from him again. Imagine for a moment how this must have felt. To have the most influential person of your youth disappear and leave you with the evidence that they were not the invested, safe adult you had believed them to be. Instead, you are left to reckon with the idea that this person’s intentions were impure. We have to confront that they preyed on our vulnerability.
When we are children, we do not have the responsibility to identify behaviors from adults as problematic. We instead rely on the adults in our lives to hold those boundaries for us and to identify when a line is being crossed. This is why it is so incredibly important to be sure that the adults we put into positions of power and influence over children are trustworthy.
Upon reflection, Rebecca can see the way she was groomed. She had been prepared to accept these advances from Mr. Jordan well before she became “of age.” She had been asked to keep secrets, even though they would appear harmless. There was an understanding between the two, established, of course, by Mr. Jordan, that “anything that happens here, stays here.” This keeping of seemingly harmless secrets is a notable sign of grooming. It prepares the victim to hold secrets and establishes to the abuser the ability of their victim to do so, beginning with low-risk secrets. Mr. Jordan was quick to share his criticism of the boys Rebecca dated, offering that men are not to be trusted (excluding himself, of course). He made “jokes” that she should refrain from giving herself up “too easily” to her peers. Mr. Jordan isolated her from her peers through his praises, establishing her as different or special, a tactic used by many predators. He pulled her from classes she disliked and let her sit at his desk during class. This overt display of favoritism is yet another commonality between Rebecca’s story and my own. She was desensitized to touch through the use of “innocent” physical contact–a hand on her back, a celebratory hug, a brushing of her shoulders. She was sent gifts and notes, including the following, given at graduation.
“I’m glad I got to know you! You are an amazing person with a great attitude. I wish you the best of luck! Keep your promises! - Jordan”
It seems innocuous, doesn’t it? Outside of its context, it might be. However, within the context of this relationship, I see this note for what it is–flattery and a promise. As a young person, I would have held this close.
Rebecca’s story is important and needs to be shared. This behavior is happening, and the ones experiencing it are doing so quietly. There is shame and loss tied to these stories. I know this because I experienced it myself. The fault I believed belonged to me and the loss of my mentor held me down for so many years.
I asked Rebecca what she wishes others understood. Her answer was so similar to my own that I was stopped in my tracks. Grief. She wishes that others understood the grief that weighs heavily when you are betrayed in this way. This person tied themselves to your youth, formed you as you grew, then left you feeling violated. “Memories feel like weapons,” as Taylor Swift once said. Once beloved songs and stories become like knives. We lose a lot to the people who do this, and we become determined to save others from this torment.
Rebecca’s message for you is an important one. She hopes that you will move forward knowing why boundaries are important. Even if you are not, yourself, capable of preying on someone’s youth, remember that normalizing poor boundaries makes it easier to dismiss what should be a warning sign. This was a profound realization for me, as a victim myself. I am often triggered when I see educators with poor boundaries, even if I know their intentions are pure. We cannot allow this blurring of lines to become normal, no matter how sinless it may seem.
I hope Rebecca’s story can stand as a powerful reminder that grooming looks like love. It does not appear to be insidious. A child cannot be expected to identify the boundaries being crossed when they are receiving attention, favor, and praise. It is our responsibility, as adults, to protect our youth.
I hope you will spend some time reflecting on Rebecca’s story. The most important thing we can do is talk about this. Spread awareness, stay alert, and step in when you notice something is wrong.
With love,
Mary Beth
